Today my friend told me what I actually felt this morning. Anyway, we haven’t got in touch for the last two months or so.

Out of the blue he said that he felt lonely and sad, but he was fighting against his depressive episode.

As I let that sink in, I was in the middle of my own disorientation—I failed to get up, dress up, and show up this morning—so I was not sure if I would truly understand how he felt, but I could relate still. His feelings of worthlessness brought nothing but my sympathy.

For those of you who have never been in this state, let me tell you: such feelings are not just haunting you... they’re killing you, literally.

Sometimes the demons don’t precisely tell you what to do—they would rather give you some hints of gruesome idea that seem enthralling to do. Sounds so stimulating and exciting it makes your current life feels boring.

Those ideas comprise disastrous condition (wishing plane crash, bombing, etc) and moving to a new place and start being a blank slate (by travelling, permanently moving, etc).

But so far the plane crash wish is the most frequently popped-up idea.

See, it’s way too scary as well as dangerous to talk about this so I write it.

In the end of the day, it’s a cup of warm coffee that can console me. There’s no way I could wipe them off of my mind but I can postpone (read: ignore) them for tomorrow and the day after. The next day? Repeat.

When life gives you delirium, coffee gives you sanity.