Today my friend told me what I actually felt this morning. Anyway, we haven’t got in touch for the last two months or so.

Out of the blue he said that he felt lonely and sad, but he was fighting against his depressive episode.

As I let that sink in, I was in the middle of my own disorientation—I failed to get up, dress up, and show up this morning—so I was not sure if I would truly understand how he felt, but I could relate still. His feelings of worthlessness brought nothing but my sympathy.

For those of you who have never been in this state, let me tell you: such feelings are not just haunting you... they’re killing you, literally.

Sometimes the demons don’t precisely tell you what to do—they would rather give you some hints of gruesome idea that seem enthralling to do. Sounds so stimulating and exciting it makes your current life feels boring.

Those ideas comprise disastrous condition (wishing plane crash, bombing, etc) and moving to a new place and start being a blank slate (by travelling, permanently moving, etc).

But so far the plane crash wish is the most frequently popped-up idea.

See, it’s way too scary as well as dangerous to talk about this so I write it.

In the end of the day, it’s a cup of warm coffee that can console me. There’s no way I could wipe them off of my mind but I can postpone (read: ignore) them for tomorrow and the day after. The next day? Repeat.

When life gives you delirium, coffee gives you sanity.

Enam bulan lalu kamu tidak dikenal oleh sistem memori di kepalaku.

Sulit membayangkan bagaimana enam bulan dapat mengubah segalanya.

Waktu memang hebat.

Dengan waktu, yang dulu asing kini menjadi berarti.

Karena waktu pula, yang dulu penting menjadi terabaikan.

Mengapa kamu menjadi penting?

Mungkin di hitungan 1800 hari dari hari ini, kamu akan menjadi asing kembali.

Tetapi lupakan soal masa 1800-hari karena itu bukan sekarang.

Aku tegaskan bahwa kita sedang membicarakan apa yang terjadi saat ini, detik ini.

Mengapa semua hal-hal remeh temeh tentangmu menyita energi di otakku?

Sungguh tidak terbayangkan di enam bulan lalu, bahwa sebuah centang-biru-di-whatsapp-yang-tak-kunjung-mendapat-respon adalah masalah besar.

Menyenangkan sekali jika semua peristiwa dalam hidup dapat dijelaskan dalam rumus yang terperinci.

Tetapi soal centang-biru-di-whatsapp-yang-tak-kunjung-mendapat-respon... sial!

Sampai kini aku belum menemukan uraian yang logis.

Benci sekali.

Terlebih lagi... kekacauan emosi yang timbul oleh karena si centang-biru-di-whatsapp-yang-tak-kunjung-mendapat-respon, telah membuatku semakin membenci diriku sendiri.

Aku kangen diriku enam bulan lalu.

Ketika centang-biru-di-whatsapp-yang-tak-kunjung-mendapat-respon tidak memberikan rangsangan apapun bagi nalar ini. 

--- 

“Anxiety makes you sit there and overthink every single things. At times it makes you think people in your life are leaving you. You begin to feel abandoned, and not worth anything because the most important people in your life don’t want you. You know it is stupid. You know with all your heart that it wasn’t a big deal and that it should roll off of you. Suddenly the small things is very big and it keeps growing in your head. You know with all of your heart that you’re being ridiculous and you hate every minute of it.”